On Bended Knees

“In a single moment we can understand we are not just facing a knee pain, or our discouragement and our wishing the sitting would end, but that right in the moment of seeing that knee pain, we’re able to explore the teachings of the Buddha. What does it mean to have a painful experience? What does it mean to hate it, and to fear it?” ~ Sharon Salzberg

One day, while dressing for work, I took a (mis)step back and popped my knee out. I fell down while my ligaments thankfully popped them backed in. The surprise overcame the pain and numbness. After all, it has been a while since my knees popped out… fourteen years, to be exact.

They rushed me to the ER to do the standard x-ray tests, before recommending me to physical therapy. Since it’s my third time (officially), the surgery option’s in the table. No guarantees that it won’t happen again post-op, so I decided to go the conventional route— strengthen my muscles through rehab and wearing knee protective gear most, if not all the time. 

I’ve learned to accept my condition, now classified as congenital. But I worry for my work and most especially, my daughter. How do I carry her now that I cannot bear any more weight? How do I pursue my field work? How do I bear another child if pregnancy weight will put a strain on my knees again?

So many questions. For now, I’m still doing my leg raises and squats and stationary bike. Preventive measures calls for serious weight loss, especially in my upper body. Small steps, but hopefully this will give my the strength and confidence back to do all that I need to do, for my career and my family. 


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